Flailing into Failure and Not Feeling Like a Failure

A friend suffered a setback the other day. It’s his story, not mine, so I won’t go into the details. However, as context, image that you rejiggered your life. We’re talking big picture stuff. Vocational and geographical shifts underlain by the complexities of family life. There’s something that must be accomplished, and life is sort of on pause for this thing to occur, and it’s up to you to make it so. Failure equals an extension of your current limbo, which means the ongoing pressures will continue to build. That the outcome desired did not equal the outcome earned would be a fate most people would not wish to communicate due to it being a bummer, though even more so that it’d be embarrassing. What struck me about this person, and one of the things that I find remarkable about him, is that this person willing volunteered news of this setback. “This thing happened, and it’s a bummer.” I love people who are secure in themselves and their situation. It’s refreshing, for many people live in worlds built upon doubt and cladded with avoidance.

Back in college and graduate school, in creative writing classes no one would ever provide useful feedback. Everyone wanted to be kind and friendly. Tear apart the writing; explain what doesn’t work. Convey what’s effective, if anything. Only by showing what fails can I learn to overcome these deficiencies. My value and self-view are not in those lines that you read. If I’m working out, correct my form. It’s not personal; I don’t want to injure myself. I may not understand, or I might lack the ability to perform the motions correctly, but that I am unable to do something correctly does not diminish me.

In fact, the other day Kelly was concerned that I had felt targeted or embarrassed or something in response to her advice regarding the proper form for squats. No, it was simply that I had thought that what I was doing aligned with what she had conveyed – stand up fully, thus I had claimed that I was doing just what she had suggested. Though, I was glad that she raised the topic, for once I regained my breathe, it struck me that, surely, she had seen something askew since she had brought up the topic. Once I understood she meant that I needed to stand fully erect again, not to lean forward at all, did I manage to transform a suggestion into practice.

Same scenario with games, it’s ok to lose; to get trounced. To never win. It’s frustrating if luck goes against you, or you make a poor decision, but these things are not reflections on you. Sometimes people’s plans work out better than yours. Sometimes, it’s just that another person better understands the nuances of the game. Roll with your weaknesses. Accept that it’s ok to be middling at times, if not always. In the end, these things are meaningless, and to ascribe import to them to the extent that you become angered or self-disappointed or embarrassed is to lose a race that isn’t even a race.

I’m sadden by my friend’s bad news. Some other friends also suffered a tragedy the same day. Problems piling onto problems. Given how bad things can go, it’s important to maintain perspective. I’m pleased to have friends in my life, pursuits to pursue, and food to consume. With the rest, my goal is to learn how to be a better person to myself and to my friends, even if it requires being reminded of the many things at which I shall flail, if not fail at as well.

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