Much of my life, I felt like I was moving to the next stage. Everything served as a transition, with nothing feeling like this portion fit where I should remain. Not that I was depressed or ravenous or anything of the sort. Rather, it was that I anticipated change underlain by uncertainty more than feeling that, yes, this must be the place where I should be. Life felt like early spring, with days that made sense and others that lacked coherence. Situations would come and go, and the vibrations of life could feel like lines of a poem written on a receipt that gets caught in the wind to travel to another place, another time, before returning to the earth as rain and bacteria and fungus take hold. Sparks of beauty and brilliance, whether deluded or not, cast about the world as I planned as well as reacted and generally let the oscillations of the heavens ferry me onward.
Now, I make no claim that I am now grounded. Nor, do I proclaim to possess any semblance of wisdom. The more I act, the more I realize that much of what I do continues to fall into the bin marked react. And, it seems that I can realize mishaps and blunders on a daily basis, whether finding myself irritated for something someone else is doing or not doing to later realize that the primary cause for the conflict arose from my own doings or even simply moving toward someone yet misjudging my location and thus bumping into said person. However, the thought to characterize myself as embedded in perpetual limbo has abated, or at least lessened.
While I do not know where my career might head or even what city I might label as home three years from now and though it seems that friendships as always come and go and that what drives me forward and what bores me thoroughly all might vacillate, little unease underlies my mental state. I feel grounded. Before the uncaring, randomness of the universe and the unlimited fountain of kindness and stupidity that humanity presents, and in spite of the pain that people cause me, often unaware that their actions impact me, and without regard to the beauties that others share with me, I find myself generally excited for each new day as well as generally appreciative of what has occurred. And, I relay this sentiment not to gloat or anything of the sort, but rather to appreciate that despite the chaotic inchoateness of existence that sometimes things feel like they align, and to wonder what may have altered to cause this shift in how I perceive my immediacies as well as fate.
Age could be a factor, alongside experience. Having fulfilled some goals, whether espoused or not, and finding some grooves while teasing at the unknowns so as to develop new talents and interests surely grounds a person. Similarly, chemistry surely alters as the body moves into successive phases of this life thing within which we’ve each discovered ourselves. However, I suspect, and perhaps this is the romantic in me, that having connected with a person who infuses richness into my days and supports me as we dabble together along this planet as it arcs through the expansive unknown is a primary cause of my newfound sense of ease.
Together, we’ll figure out adversities, delight in windfalls, and try our best to grasp the intricacies of our individual and mutual realities. We will make plans, big and small, and we will suffer setbacks. That she’s part of my life makes things feel less like I’m moving from room to room, stage to stage, and more like life is an adventure where we’re narrating ourstory, in the singular and collective senses. Thus, from our eyes and bodies and sense of selves we spring from place to place, we linger as desired, and simply live our lives, while taking in what happenstance presents to us as well as deriving what substance we can from opportunities. Life feels a bit more in the driver seat with her involved in making some of these decisions, whether made together or one of us for the other, a sense of grounding backlit by boundless prospects that stream across the view as shadows toward which we might illuminate. Not to say that I’d be lost, let alone adrift, without her, and I suspect much of this sense of acceptance and purpose has become a fixture of whom I am, but I do believe that nothing about everyday life with her feels like it’s an everyday sort of scene, for the moments spent together fulfill and fuel me, and make me excited for what shall next arrive, as if we’re shooting through space at warp speed, ever searching for new life and adventure, boldly going wherever the hell we can find ourselves, as this wonderful and terrible world keeps chugging along.