Cockeyed and Curious

A friend suffered a setback the other day. It’s his story, not mine, so I won’t go into the details. However, as context, image that you rejiggered your life. We’re talking big picture stuff. Vocational and geographical shifts underlain by the complexities of family life. There’s something that must be accomplished, and life is sort of on pause for this thing to occur, and it’s up to you to make it so. Failure equals an extension of your current limbo, which means the ongoing pressures will continue to build. That the outcome desired did not equal the outcome earned would be a fate most people would not wish to communicate due to it being a bummer, though even more so that it’d be embarrassing. What struck me about this person, and one of the things that I find remarkable about him, is that this person willing volunteered news of this setback. “This thing happened, and it’s a bummer.” I love people who are secure in themselves and their situation. It’s refreshing, for many people live in worlds built upon doubt and cladded with avoidance.

Back in college and graduate school, in creative writing classes no one would ever provide useful feedback. Everyone wanted to be kind and friendly. Tear apart the writing; explain what doesn’t work. Convey what’s effective, if anything. Only by showing what fails can I learn to overcome these deficiencies. My value and self-view are not in those lines that you read. If I’m working out, correct my form. It’s not personal; I don’t want to injure myself. I may not understand, or I might lack the ability to perform the motions correctly, but that I am unable to do something correctly does not diminish me.

In fact, the other day Kelly was concerned that I had felt targeted or embarrassed or something in response to her advice regarding the proper form for squats. No, it was simply that I had thought that what I was doing aligned with what she had conveyed – stand up fully, thus I had claimed that I was doing just what she had suggested. Though, I was glad that she raised the topic, for once I regained my breathe, it struck me that, surely, she had seen something askew since she had brought up the topic. Once I understood she meant that I needed to stand fully erect again, not to lean forward at all, did I manage to transform a suggestion into practice.

Same scenario with games, it’s ok to lose; to get trounced. To never win. It’s frustrating if luck goes against you, or you make a poor decision, but these things are not reflections on you. Sometimes people’s plans work out better than yours. Sometimes, it’s just that another person better understands the nuances of the game. Roll with your weaknesses. Accept that it’s ok to be middling at times, if not always. In the end, these things are meaningless, and to ascribe import to them to the extent that you become angered or self-disappointed or embarrassed is to lose a race that isn’t even a race.

I’m sadden by my friend’s bad news. Some other friends also suffered a tragedy the same day. Problems piling onto problems. Given how bad things can go, it’s important to maintain perspective. I’m pleased to have friends in my life, pursuits to pursue, and food to consume. With the rest, my goal is to learn how to be a better person to myself and to my friends, even if it requires being reminded of the many things at which I shall flail, if not fail at as well.

With everyone hunkered within their homes, distance has become fluid. Someone a few miles away can feel as remote as a person hundreds of miles up the road. Suddenly, friends who had fallen away due to distance have resurfaced. An element of not wanting to lose touch completely has summoned them back from the recesses, especially given the dire feeling of what we’re traversing, yet there’s also some element that this situation has leveled the playing field. Proximity is an Internet connection away. Time zones somehow matter less, only momentarily confusing the mind should background window views appear different. Daylight and darkness conflict across video feeds, but it’s all virtual anyway, and some people provide virtual backdrops anyway.

Some friends refuse to leave their homes. It’s unnerving how sheltered a person can become. One person, who does go for runs and walks, mentioned that he needs outdoors space. Apartment living has gotten rough. Without a balcony, that the building shuttered the outside common areas leaves him sans opportunity to relax outside. His excursions take him past yards where people read, play games, drink, and generally bask in the fresh air. Their joy as reminders that for most hours he exists entombed within concrete, with only a window from which to gaze at outdoors splendors. I wonder whether some sharing app could allow you borrow lawns. “I live at 235 2^nd Street; no plans to dawdle hours in my lawn, open to someone from 1pm through 3pm.” I foresee opportunity here.

Call me naïve, but, now that the roads are largely empty, I would have hoped that people would drive less like maniacs. Apparently without being fettered by traffic, people drive more recklessly than ever. Traffic buffered motorists; forced them to slow. Now, without a natural regulator, they speed and then try to navigate setbacks and uncertainty at high speeds. It’s terrifying. Maybe one day we as a species will recognize the terrifying nature of automobiles – these are heavy machines with power that can devastate bodies, crush lives. Respect them. Respect each other. Again, label me as naïve.

As an absurd side note, impatience demonstrated by drivers often amuses me, in that someone will freak out if another person’s cautious, or perhaps confused (if not inept), handling of a dangerous piece of machinery causes them to lose seconds of their day. Given that most people squander ample minutes, if not hours, doing essentially nothing, that ire raises to momentous degrees in response to slight setbacks while driving tickles me. As if all perspective vanishes upon placing oneself behind a steering wheel. I’d rather a motorist drive cautiously then misapprehend a situation and inadvertently kill someone as a result.

What, I would wonder, does this tic of a delay prevent this person from doing? I’d picture the innumerable moments we all spend squandering time, whether watching bad TV, sitting on the couch staring off toward the wall, or twiddling thumbs during any other meaningless expanse of seconds accruing into moments and then try to weigh it against the handful of seconds lost due to the person who slowed down to assess potential risk on the road ahead. Now, based on Facebook posts, I can surmise that if not for these fleeting delays, some of those irate drivers might have had time to share incendiary posts online.

Political posts have always been rampant on Facebook. COVID-19 seems to have amped their frequency for certain people. Uncertainty and an uptick of free time leads to prolific reposting of memes, it seems. Consequently, liberal friends have upped their sharing of their political memes. And, conservative friends are firing off their social media post buttons as if they’re operating a machine gun.

Generally, these posts convey a combative, angry tone more than seek to engender reconsideration or debate. They seem to say, “look at these peoples’ hypocrisy” and “wow, what dumbasses, check out this stupidity,” among other attacks. Some of my friends only post messages meant to diminish the intellect or forthrightness of another group of people. Tribalism, at its core, I watch these people sail their ships further from each other, all while shooting arrows at the other’s figurative vessels. And, what strikes me are not their barbs but rather their commonalities. In that, both groups behave so similarly, and both seem so blinded to their pushing their angle as if harbingers of the universe’s sole purpose.

I suppose it makes sense that people would turn to this behavior. Like many species, we’re aggressive, and we appear to suffer from a need to feel important, correct, and validated, and thus it’s not surprising that during unpredictable times that feel perilous that some of our baser instincts would manifest. With the first post on the Internet, surely the first troll followed, and thus reasonable people over time will find themselves perpetuating drumbeats toward conflict, even if only in the form of a meme. With more time at home, people can manifest their fear and frustration through simplistic graphics.

Here are some examples, and for this post I’m going to focus on the conservative posts. One person posted a graphic that shows colonial men gathered with one man, presumably meant to be Patrick Henry given his appearance and words, standing with raised fist to declare: “Give me liberty or give me death!! Unless there’s a virus with a 99% recovery rate. In which case, strip me of my freedoms, my job, my constitutional rights and put me under house arrest.” I won’t pick apart the various claims in this text, and I recognize that it’s somewhat meant as exaggerated satire, but I most note the irony of using a slave holder as your figurehead to convey a statement focused on ideals of freedom. Furthermore, states provide most of the restrictions being imposed. Patrick Henry did not support the Constitution, pushing for states to have more power, and the police power and power to protect the general welfare of citizens (which includes responding to disease) is a state power. If you want protection from the state, and if the state courts fail you, your recourse is to gain the federal government’s support. The 10^th Amendment retains certain rights to the states; during this crisis, the federal government is respecting the boundaries of this provision (“The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.”).

Another odd series of posts has to do with minimizing the perceived import of this coronavirus’s danger. An ongoing narrative insists that hospitals fabricate causes of death to secure more funding, since additional federal funds go to COVID-19-related deaths. Thus, the number of people dead from the disease must be magnified. These posts, as far as I’ve seen, fail to indicate what sort of inflation to attribute to the death toll due to this perverse incentive to overstate COVID’s contribution. Though, the intent seems to be that you should discount all accounts since surely some inaccuracies have resulted. These posts never mention that the number of people dying this year is higher than prior yearly averages (I believe this is accounting for population increases, but I could be mistaken).

Similarly, I had been seeing posts highlighting that the US’s per capita death rate for COVID-19 is much lower than many other countries. What these posts seek to accomplish mystifies me. For, the posters seem to share this content to convey that we don’t need to social distance, failing to recognize the possibility that any good news related to fewer deaths is related directly to benefits accrued by social distancing. Similarly, the per capita ratio could change over time, and I believe that it has done so given that I haven’t seen more of these posts as the death numbers have continued to increase (and that’s with social distancing practices being followed). Further, being seventh or whatever place we were on a list of highest per-capita deaths isn’t what I’d label as a hallmark of success. Being seventh of states in the nation for preventable deaths, worst educational systems, or any other undesirable metric isn’t something to celebrate, and on the world state we’re talking of a count well beyond 50 in scope. And, if we’re focused on countries by largest GDP then we’re still looking rough when it comes to COIVD-related deaths.

In terms of progressive posts, I’ve noticed that they often point to the most ludicrous of voices from the right and then equate these words and activities as if representative of all conservatives. “Woke culture” continues to be a thing in that if you’re a white man who has “woke” then it’s really hard to broadcast your perspectives without perpetuating the very thing that you believe yourself to be woke from. You can support non-white, non-male groups by striving to not be an ass and by recognizing their perspectives, perpetuating their messages for them reeks of newfangled imperialism. Also, and this isn’t always true, many woke people end up displaying hypocrisies, and then that undercuts the positive messages because failings even if only tangentially related to the progressive idea prompt people to dismiss all related ideas from the questionable source. This, here, is anecdotal but I recall one guy repeating his claims of being woke yet then sexualizing a server while at a restaurant, in front of coworkers, which was rather awkward and creepy.

Across all of the political spectrum, people fail to post when atrocities occur that conflict with their usual stances. Sometimes, something terrible is just that, and that if the facts were different it might have helped your political slant doesn’t mean that you should ignore this topic. If you’re outraged by wrongdoing or the like, then why not broadcast all such instances of malfeasance. Like the level of interest in Biden’s alleged sexual assault is disturbing. Also, that anger regarding Ahmaud Aubrey’s murder seems to be largely a leftish concern is disappointing.

Purpose. When it’s lacking, it becomes the elephant in the room. Focused and driven, the concern of having purpose does not arise, for you churn through the hours toward a goal. Without purpose, you can drift into and out of activities. A sense of ennui can underlie most motions. This malaise vanishes as you endeavor to complete some task or another. Momentary distractions can supply one’s immediacy. Flare ups of drive can move us forward to accomplishing minor goals. Yet, a critical mind might view this motion as moving from Point A to Point A more than traversing towards a more meaningful Point Z.

Kelly told me yesterday that she needs some goals during this pandemic. Home sequestration provokes a yen to accomplish something. Don’t misunderstand the situation. For, her plunge into exercise since this worldwide crisis began has been remarkable. HIIT workouts are daily, sometimes occurring twice a day. A series of yellow stickies next to our pull-up bar have provided weekly targets. This succession aims at 280. Core workouts intertwine with three runs each week. As of a few days ago, she plans to complete 50 burpees a day for 30 days. Before long she’ll be bench pressing the couch.

And, it’s not like exercising is her sole activity. For she’s been sewing a dress, conversing with friends, cooking through numerous cuisines and baking multitudes of sweets, and blowing through books. I’ve managed to recruit her for games even. We go on evening strolls, on occasion. She, and we, fill our days, each one feeling quite full, so that what we never manage to complete all that we wish to do. Most nights see a new rum cocktail grace our table, one theme followed ginger through various permutations.

Despite these efforts, Kelly indicates that she could do more. My read, which could be wrong and does not reflect how I would label her efforts, is that these activities are functions, she’s merely running scripts that pass the days. That most of these workouts serve as substitutes for her customary source for strength gains and caloric consumption; that is, to say, climbing. Thus, they don’t “count” in the big picture sense – something bigger could accrue, some appreciable difference to point at and say, “if not for COVID-19 I might not have had time to accomplish X.” X being the enigma. That elusive variable we label as “being productive” thereby turning it from mutable form into a constant

I can relate. At times, the most pressing thought I have is whether or not to shave my beard. Part of me never wants to remove it again. This craving resembles my hankering to grow out my hair. Apparently, I quest to become a shaggy Muppet. How they fling up their arms and flail about amuses me, which means every glance at a reflective surface could become quite entertaining. There Dave is again, gyrating his hands as if grasping at the heavens, all while grinning with head uplifted.

Though, given a touch of balding, the character of my hair, and my generally tendency toward being slovenly, I suspect long hair would equal appearing scuzzy. Further, my desire for change means long hair would never last. The urge to cleanse my face of its beard strikes weekly, and I suspect even were split ends to reach my shoulders that their eventual culling would involve more than a mere touch up.

She points to this blog as me being productive. “Dave has been so busy, he’s blogging, writing, etc.” The thing about being productive is that you can always point to what you’re not accomplishing, all of which keys back to the concept of “purpose.” At the moment, my purpose seems to be to fill my days with meaning, laugh with and support friends, maintain my fitness, perform well at work, and explore the peripheries of new hobbies, whether they involve blogging, learning how to film (vlogging?), expanding my breadth of knowledge of board games, and losing myself in the hours spent alongside Kelly as we serve as co-captains of this bizarre suspended animation state of living in which we’ve become embedded.

And, damn, when we release ourselves back into the world, my goal is to shake things up, to get outdoors more, to be kinder to friends, and to rethink where I live, how I live, and where I shall live, for all of these things can be adjusted, fine-tuned, and it’s all going to be exciting to explore, especially considering we are going to be insanely fit, for this month equals 50 burpees a day. I suppose we’ll be doing 100 of them a day, if not more, by the time this COVID insanity all resolves.

None of these days are that bad, at least while we continue to dodge being sick and jobless. Looking back, the terminal years of being a teenager were in some ways harder to navigate, even if it’s absurd to have felt as I had felt given how easy life can be as a child when compared to the days that have followed. However, at the time, boredom had become a theme. And boredom takes an insidious toll on a person’s emotional health. Across my bed I’d lie as I stared at a TV, hours melting into each other, accruing as a congealed mess of visual drivel. The remote would take me past shows like Saved by the Bell, terrible offerings that I saw as vacant representations of my listlessness, as if its form and function had become one in the guise of a terrible sitcom. Oftentimes, the late hours meant Speed Racer provided visual fodder. I recall nausea would build as my languor continued. Eventually, sleep would save me from this self-disgust.

No extended period of time since then has resembled that nadir of melancholy. Though I had friends, an isolation did perturb me, as if I understood that, even though I lacked the words to convey this concept, everything that formed my life would recede, and thus I was awaiting a life ahead rather than living the one at hand. Looking back, not much of what might define me today links with this former incarnation of myself, though, of course, the underlying traits remain intact, for humans rarely change all that much.

We can squash negative behaviors and direct our efforts toward different pursuits, but some core principles of who we are remain indelible. Remarkable, though, is that because we remain quite the same, should we witness ourselves heading down a path from our past, it is possible to recognize the dominoes as they tumble and correct ourselves before everything crashes down. On an individual scale, we can dodge the doom of our historical cycles. Which is to say, we gain the knowhow and tools to prevent our failings from undoing us ad infinitum.

I’m good with having had stretches in my past that I found to be difficult. If not for them, this current spell under which we’ve all been thrust would feel much more difficult. I’m fine with constructing meaning, that is purpose, with whatever tools and toward whatever ends bring me happiness in terms of the immediate as well as the future. When we’re capable of defining our narratives, of telling our stories on our terms, or at least in words that are largely our own, well, that’s something to celebrate. So, in this way, purpose is as purpose does, and I don’t plan to stop doing. Meanwhile, I recognize some minutes spent staring at a TV aren’t horrible; though, with Kelly around, it means that we’ll be on our mats working out as the video dramas play out. Which isn’t bad either.

I’m a liar. Same with you. We are all fibbers. You learn this truth as a child. Not everything your parents say makes sense. You recognize your own misrepresentations as you scheme outcomes favorable to your adolescent urges. People argue all around you. All of it combines to convey that fluidity and positioning serve as our tools, if not our overlords as well, for oftentimes we may not realize that how we perceive situations and opportunities involve blinders, self-deceptions. Add in that the world, or at least its inhabitants, might be feeding us faulty info and it’s remarkable that we have any sense of direction. Thus, we scramble to apply logic secure some sense of footing, ever blind to fallacies that might underpin its tenets.

With many people, I wonder whether they are idiots, liars, or some combination of the two. Oftentimes words shared by another person make little sense, and it’s unclear to me to what extent I’m too simple to grasp what the other person is presenting. This other person is saying these thoughts, and thus seems to understand such words as reality. However, from my perspective it appears that the person is either lying, and bad at it, or simply blind to the incoherencies being said. Self-delusional. Here’s a concrete, yet non-specific, example: “Well, 2 + 4 equals apple, right?” An apple and two and four have nothing to with each other. Yes, we all can derive ways that this sentence makes sense, but humans are creative: see sentences one and two above, above: “I’m a liar. Same with you.”

The issue is that people generally avoid being open with each other. We don’t share. We’re insecure. Embarrassed. We develop elaborate rationales for our avoidant stances. Sometimes we decry intrusive question. Other times, we wish not to hurt another person’s feelings. There’s a slew of reasons people behave as they do, and oftentimes it seems that simply owning up to the facts would save everyone from consternation and ultimately cause less distress overall. Whether this means saying, “I’m depressed and don’t want to do anything,” “I don’t really like doing X with you because of Y,” “Yes, I push my politics the same way those with whom I disagree push theirs, and I don’t really care about the hypocrisy,” or anything of the like. It’d be refreshing for people to own the truth and not convolute the truth with misdirection that only takes us all farther along a dead-end path that expends unnecessary energy in the form of vocal gyrations.

Years ago, while watching Lost, it frustrated me that the characters never shared information with each other. If they’d only open up about their pasts or what they’ve recently witnessed they’d be able to navigate the current crisis. Yet, they refused to divulge. Fear dictated their inaction. It was painful. Just act like humans I thought, for my earnest mind believed I would convey the hidden knowledge, thereby ruining the plot lines. As years have accreted data about how people behave, it strikes me that Lost did a better job conveying us as we are. Our own refusal to be open, to believe that others would share empathy, drives much of our behavior, and thus we’re suffering from ailments and disconnects and anxieties and missed opportunities all the while because we’re not equipping each other with the information we need to make informed decisions, receive aid, or effect whatever ends might improve our lots. At least we’re not running into polar bears on tropical islands or being assailed by “smoke” monsters. We have that going for us, even if we end up being our own best enemies all the while.